Where did I go?
How did I go there?
What happened?
A place so cold and bare and dead that,
I needed a winter rose,
to safe my life.
Its soft, silky, vibrant leaves
of blood red,
reminded my of life again.
Thank you, Rose.
A winter rose saved my life.
I came for the sake of love
seeking the world, I ached.
I asked my self;
what happens when I relate from my deepest knowing all the time?
What happens – is impossible to describe.
How can there be words for something I do not understand?
How can I find a word for something I have never seen before?
The words becomes the particles they are made of
and
I realize that communication is something entirely different.
Words are but an object, designed within the frame, of time.
But the frequency behind is light.
and
light moves.
What happens- when I relate from my deepest knowing all the time – is
light.
Love of all humanity.
Is that possible at all?
As I connect with you
something is opening up.
Expanding, if you like.
Really fast.
My body begins to shake
and then cry.
Is it fear?
And if so
what is the nature of this fear?
It feels like love and
still.
I wish you were here to hold my hand
like a father.
The movement of love
is a billion threads of beaming light
coming from my inner heart
and reaching out to all human beings.
Is that possible at all?
Again, I forgot and thought
it was about me.
And this happens.
Completely unexpected.
Love reaches out to all human beings.
From this heart?
What heart?
Literally.
Really?
Again
It is not about me
It was never about me.
Could it be real
love of all humanity.
I think and feel me safe
dwelling with peace.
I think and feel me enlighten,
awake.
Profound knowing is here,
stillness and openness of heart.
For long stretches there is no thoughts
just being.
Nothingness that feels like something.
So full.
Then again,
I think and feel me safe
and
wushhh…
Out of nowhere,
it seems,
longing ignites in my body.
I think it begins with a longing for a gentle and varm touch of a loving hand.
A loving embrace of another human being.
Then it moves down between my legs and
my sex aches to be penetrated.
Penetrated by pure masculine consciousness.
The Man.
After a while the aching moves
up into my heart.
I long and long and long
with my entire being.
There is no man
or
The Man, is not here.
The only one that will
satisfie my longing.
Like a gentle hand that reaches out to me,
from far, far behind all there is,
white essence comes.
Soft whiteness offers itself to me.
Stand here
it whispers.
All you need to do
is to stand here
in soft whiteness.
The other.
I want to free you of me.
What does that mean?
It means, that I want to free you,
of my expectations of you,
my idea of you,
my judgments of you.
My evaluations and conclusions of you.
It means,
that I want to free you,
of my version, of the truth, about you.
I was given my freedom by the great eternity.
How can I expect,
to dwell in freedom,
If I hold on,
to my version, of the truth about you?
I want to free you of me.
Light is seen by you – in me.
As you see it in me – I see light
in me.
Light opens up in my body and in
your body.
Light is seen in the core of every cell.
In fact – light is seen everywhere.
It blinds me and I give in
to light.
Light is everything.
How can you be more beautiful that the sunrise?
How can I want you more than I want the warm caress of my lover?
How can I want you more than I want company and appreciation – confirmation?
How come I want you more than I want pressure relief from physical and emotional longing?
How come I want you more than I want success and comfort?
How can I want you more than I want a full tummy and a sucker treat?
How come, I love you so fiercely,
that I am willing to let all,
that I have built up in my life,
burn to ashes,
time after time, again and again?
How come my love for you grows stronger and stronger
every second, every minute, every day?
How can you be more beautiful than the sunrise?
A black hole in the universe.
Wau! I am this ever, changing, fluid, flowing, always creating and always dying presence.
Oh my God!
I am not a limited, cramped, ego!
Nothing can ever harm me again.
I am goodness itself.
An absolutely free being.
I am timeless space.
Openness in essence.
I am.
Yeah! I dance with boundless joy.
It is for all to see and if you don´t recognize it,
you are court in illusion.
But it is ok.
All is ok.
All is one.
We are all It.
No identification even with the goodness, I am told.
As the receptive and sensitive student I am
I droop it.
In fact I have already noticed
the luring desert behind the ecstasy.
I sink.
Protesting – at first.
But then
strangely drawn.
I sink into the desert.
I look around and see nothing.
Stay with the emptiness, I am told.
After a while, subtleties in the emptiness, begin to show.
Yeah! After all there is life in the lifeless!
I am in awe and wonder.
And suddenly it is no longer so subtle.
Light appears.
One minute, the ruthless sun, burns of the top of my head.
It feels like someone has hammered a nail, through that spot, on the top of the head, that used to be soft.
Then, the next minute, it feels like the black and ice cold night of the desert,
freezes my bones to the marrow.
Scary bugs and creeps seem to lurk everywhere.
I am thirsty and I am hungry.
Hungry for company.
I am terrified and want out.
How did I end up here?
I thought the spiritual path promised eternal bliss!
I am going to die here.
Alone!
My feet can not carry me another step.
In desperation I begin to dig
but the more I dig, in the sand,
the deeper I am buried.
The sand is so fine and delicate
and it cant be molded.
It just slips through, my shaking hands, like the purest silk ever.
Carefully, I become aware, of the beauty of this movement
and I see the billions grains of sand, twinkle like diamonds, in the moonlight.
I feel my body relaxe and a deep sigh, leaves my longs.
I hardly notetis my surrender.
Peace is profound.
And then…the next morning
or maybe it is, in fact five, no wait, ten, no a hundred, no a thousand years down the road.
I dream, that I am a black hole, in the vast universe
and it closes in, on itself.
Like it folds back in and it is gone.
As if it were never there.
I finally realize.
It is not about me.
It was never about me.
To fall a free fall.
Back first, arms out.
Into an endless abyss.
The sweetness, oh such sweetness.
Like lovers when they gently caresses each other.
It a mind-blowing sensation.
When the point between the eyes spontaneously expands.
Open, open open.
It is pure openness.
All old falls away.
How to be in this newness?
And the question falls away.
To be…be…be…be.
Only being is left now.
And then
Thankfulness.
2 – 12- 2010
LivingHeartfulness 